"Education is not a product: mark, diploma, job, money; It is a process, a never-ending one." -bel kaufman

Friday, March 12, 2004


milemarker: falling behind

distractions have proven themselves to be poisonous to my progress as a teacher. i struggle, even more so now, in keeping up with the basic responsibilities of a professional educator. lesson plans, record keeping, and class preparation. i have told myself before that if i can prepare a week's worth of class work ahead of time, i will have much more time for resting each night after work--instead of working till midnight (or longer) on the next days lessons and paperwork. but i still procrastinate each weekend and put my school tasks on hold. i take my naps and spend my time on mindless relaxation. i have to. some days, i put in up to 10 hours of work at school, then come home with more to do. this week i have been putting my homework off to the side to relax, sleep, and forget about responsibilities.

unfortunately, my procrastination has only resulted in frustration, a build up of serious tension which results in disappointment in myself. today was by far the worst day. this evening, i hid under my covers after spending too much time in bed during the afternoon. i was angry at how i have not been practicing basic self-discipline. angry at my failings. and worried that i am getting too close to giving up. tonight, i would not come out from under the covers. i was warm and comfortable there. everything outside the bed was daunting. i had lost my momentum and felt so close to stopping completely.

i am up again, though. i climbed out of bed, put some clothes on, ate some food, and am now back on the path again. i'm about a week behind schedule and it will take some time to catch up, but i feel like i can do it. i have to. i want to. i am not giving up.


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