i wanna rock i wanna rock i wanna rock i wanna rock

taking the bus makes me want to rock the songs i'm working on i think of em when i take the bus and its like fireworks sometimes the ideas i get i wanna rock i wanna rock i wanna rock its like when i was 17 and felt like every time i played with patrick and thomas gang it was like an explosion went off in my soul can't explain it music comin to my head so fast so fast i got ideas i got ideas i want to start a band that makes people feel like they could spontaneously combust if they wanted to like the whole room will just take off into outerspace if we all want it too thats what i wanna do!!!!

yeah!!

i wanna rock i wanna rock i wanna rock!!!

::: posted 30 january 2003 at 05:12 am (india) [karma: 2 (+/-)] [ 1 comment. ] :::

You've got Questions, I've got Answers!

question: what is India like?
Answer: India

question: can you bring me back some hash/opium/etc?
answer: are you INSANE?

question: have you had many intrigues with indian girls?
answer: um...well...i like to drink chai when i first wake up

question: have you ridden on an elephant?
answer: Krsna is the supreme personality of Godhead

question: have you scored any hash/opium/etc for yourself?
answer: the other day i was on this bus going from kudachudri to kollur, and this boy i was sitting next to, he was about 10 or so, and his left eye was like mine, it was underdeveloped and white, and he was trying to talk to me, and i was trying to talk to him, but all we could do was laugh at each others pathetic attempt to understand words that had absolutly no meaning to either of us! he was a really nice boy and had some friends with him, and they were joyfully enjoying sitting in the front of the bus (the scariest place to be) and it seemed to me that he was about a million times happier than i was when i was that age. and then i remembered that i was a million times happier now, so i guess we're equal. and then i remembered that i should be thankfull for everything that i have.

so thanks
all my love
chris

::: posted 27 january 2003 at 08:08 am (india) [karma: 0 (+/-)] [ no comments. ] :::

a couple of years ago something happened to me.
i was behind a friends house in the middle of the night and something happened to me.

those of you that know me may know what i'm alluding too.
those of you that don't will just have to be in the dark about it.

since that night i've had a different, a new outlook on life, one that has been constantly changing and progressing, and i've had peaks and valleys of happiness and depression, elation and illusion.

whether you know it or not, since then the rest of my life has been measured from that point.
something is 'as good as' 'not as good as' 'kind of like' etc to that night.
and people are either going in the direction i'm trying to go, or they're running against the river.

alot of people i know are running against this river.
some of them know it. some of them don't.
some of them are fighting the current so hard that they're getting upstream.
but fighting this river is hopeless.

for many years i didnt' know there even was a river.
then when i saw it, it was so big and vast it made me affraid.
so i fought against it so hard, so hard, i nearly died.

and now here i am.
the river is so beautifull, and we are all swiming in it.
some people are aware of this, and they are so happy to be swiming, because they know how to swim, and that there is nothing to be affraid of. some people are just learning to swim.
some people dont know they are swiming, they are just doing the best they can, and it so happens that the swiming is like dessert. this is all really really vague, i know, but it feels right to me.

where are you?
where are you?

i'm getting back to where i want to be.
i'm getting back to where i want to be.
i want to be free. i want to be free.

this is how i feel:

"I can do it anywhere with anyone at anytime don't you forget
this is my life and it's going to be good, don't you know
not a promise or a threat or an ultimatum, though I can do that too
I'm just telling you, I've got this life I've got to live
I'm just following through" - dismemberment plan (they just broke up)

much luv
chris

--------------------------------------------EXTRA EXTRA!!! PVR # 004(1/3) OUT NOW!!!
Artist: cHOKE

Title: "Leaves floating down a river"

Track listing:

Side A

1. everything is subject to change
2. the wind only blows at night
3. giraffe neck
4. the lonely bracelet
5. the hollow voice

Side B
1. empty chairs
2. puritas blues
3. insturmental number one
4. telescoping fists
5. redwood forest ranger
6. insturmental number 2
7. you and me baby in the summer time

Info: recorded (very poorly) jan 18-19 2 aught aught 3 at Garuda Guha guest house, Kollur, India
if Rachel does not recieve the master copy in the mail, then there will be no release.
however, if she does recieve the master in the mail, copies can be secured through her.
please email xchokexus@yahoo.com or reply to this post if you would like to be on the list of recipients. include your name, address, and favorite way to prepare broccoli. if you have no favorite way, you may substitute your least favorite way. If you would like to help cHOKE bring his rocknroll circus to your town, move to cleveland and learn how to play drums like keith moon or keyboards like brian eno. securing a practice area would be helpfull as well.

Remember! someday, you and everyone you have ever known will be dead, and then no one will care if you did or didn't eat the last cookie.

::: posted 24 january 2003 at 11:10 am (india) [karma: 0 (+/-)] [ 2 comments. ] :::

o there is this farm, its called the "Bhaktivedanta Eco-Village" and its 18 km from Kollur, in the village of kudachudri. i'm looking at the brochure for it right now, its a charitable institution, actually. "spiritual retreat, temple,orphanage, guesthouse, cow protection, organic agriculture, alternative energy, trekking, village school, ayurvedic nursery, arts and crafts, festivals". This is the farm that my host, Tattva Darshan Das, is the manager of this farm. he has been living in india for about 20 years, and is a very gentle man. his story of how he discovered Krsna Conciousness and what it has meant to him is one of many that i have been collecting for my own benefit, and i have enjoyed highly being in his company these last few weeks. he asked me if i would go to the farm and check it out, that there were also some canadiens there that would probobly enjoy seeing another westerner. its strange, here in india when you see another westerner you think either 'hey, how does he know about this?' or you think 'cool, i should talk to him and see if he knows whats going on' and so it feels good to meet people you can talk to easily and freely with at a normal tone. so much of india is in the speaking, and much of the time you have to economize what you say, you have to reduce it down to the bare essentials. if you add a little flourish to your speech it confuses people who are barely understanding you, and thus it is best to just keep it to one or two words. "bottle water" or "toilet" or "internet cafe" spoken slowly and clearly will get results.
'you never give me your money, you only give me your funny paper, and in the middle of negotiations you break down' i'm listening to abbey road, tattva has a cd-r with mp3's of 27 beatles albums on it. i've been writing music lately, and it feels good to go back to the masters of rock n roll to get inspiration from them. alot of old style music is rubbish, but the beatles are awesome.
so i went up to the farm and hung out there for 3 days, and it was really nice but for some reason it was too quiet. maybe it was the lack of electricity that made it hard to read with the little lantern i had. i dont know maybe i just wasnt in the mood. i'll be going back in a few days i suppose. theres some really cool waterfalls that i want to see, with a bottomless pool you can jump into from some big cliffs. so there was some work to be done at the farm, and the canadiens, led by a natropathic doctor named surya, asked me if i wanted to help out. well i didnt want to be the only one up there doing nothing. turns out what they needed help with was carrying the cow dung from where it is stored, in a huge hole that has been dug out of the ground next to the holding pen, to the fields where they were getting ready to do some planting. in organic farming, cow dung is used as fertilizer. its alot better for the soil than chemical fertilizer, and has alot of nutrients. after using the dung for 3 years or so the soil is so rich and healthy you dont need to use it anymore. but if the soil has been depleated, like much of the soil is at the farm, from years of chemical fertilizers you have to use the dung for many years. and alot of it. so for hour after hour i carried load after load of dung in a plastic basket from the dung hole to the fields. it was good exercise, got me sweating a bit, got me tired. the next day i helped clear out a canal that would be used for irrigating the fields. the canal is cleared out yearly, and it is hard work. you have to shovel out mud and muck and chop down weeds and bushes that have grown in and around the canal, and the whole time you work you are looking for a way to do it better, easier, more efficently. the mud is deep, you have to take off your sandals or they'll get stuck in the mud, and underneath the mud is rocks rocks rocks so if your feet are tender and unaccustomed to this kind of treatment, it hurts! every step! and i thought my feet were tough....wrong. this work really killed me, let me tell you, it was intense. first cutting down the overgrown brush and weeds and such with a huge machete that seemed to me to be a bit dull, or else i really am weak as a kitten, as everyone says. then digging out the mud with a kind of upside down shovel that is kind of like a hoe, only with a more severe angle and is more rounded and a little bigger. ok thats a bad description but the main thing is that it is a good tool for breaking up soil and making rows and such, but is a horrible tool for digging mud out of a ditch and then throwning it up to the side of it. luckily i found some shovels, and they were better, although then the problem became the rocks that would prevent smooth uptake of the mud. it was just hard work, hard physical labor that boys from shaker hts ohio are not accustomed to.

listening to these old songs is really intense. they're so good. this book i'm reading, 'zen and the art of motorcycle maintenince' is all about recognizing this thing called 'Quality' and i cant think of a better definition of quality than the beatles. or if thats not enough, i'd say mahler's unfinished symphony, thats quality. anything by Bach has quality to spare. the latest new order cd, that has quality. i'm anxiously awaiting the cd 'mary star of the sea' by Zwan, that will be out at the end of this month. i have high expectations that this new offering from mr corgan will reaffirm my belief that there is still room for rock, real rock n roll in the american pop scene.

thats all i've got to say today.
not sure how much longer i'm gonna be here in Kollur, i guess another 10-15 days. i have to get in touch with some people in Mysore, my next destination, and figure out what i'm going to do when i get there. i think after that i may visit Khempo, a buddhist monk who is a pretty cool guy i've met in the states, and then i'll go on to italy, where my aunt Phyllis has invited me to spend some time with her wonderfull family. joy! i think i'll spend 2 weeks there and then i'll go back home. i need to get back to clevebland before may so that i can secure a good summer job and some cheap housing. i'd like to live in a wherehouse if i can find one that would fit my budget. just a big open space where i can set up a bunch of amps, drumset, other stuff and bang away for a while. we'll see. i have to say i feel alot better, i've opened up new avenues that i didnt know existed, i have opportunities to do alot of cool things in the future, and my desire to do something productive with myself has returned, but in a different way. its like i was really uptight for a while, that everything was so deathly important, the meaning of life, whatever. that i felt like i had to look for something that i didnt' have, that i was missing something, that i had to get out of town right quickly and figure out a few things. and its not even that i sat down and meditated for hours on anything, its like a cup that was filled with nectar and was in my left hand, but i was too busy worrying about my right hand to even look over there, and eventually my right hand pointed to my left hand and said 'look there it is you had it all along, why dont you relax, you're too uptight'. like it was so important that i find god, that i couldnt' really do anything untill god told me to do it, or told me what to do, or something. i dont know it seems a bit silly now but i know why i was feeling that way and then i feel really silly.
"what should i do??"
"go back inside and have a good time. whenever you need me i'll be there"
"ok"
i was looking for something that i thought was external, seperate from myself, away from myself, that i didnt' posess already. and actually the opposite is true, and i was looking in the wrong place. maybe this is coming back to me because i havent been anihilating my senses everyday with booze and other things, maybe its because i've been saying the maha mantra alot lately, maybe its just india, whatever. i just hope i don't lose this feeling. i came here trying to get back some of my old zest, that smile i used to have, that feeling i used to have and i do feel like i'm getting it back.

rawk on
chris

::: posted 16 january 2003 at 05:57 am (india) [karma: -2 (+/-)] [ no comments. ] :::

the lizards made him uncomfortable. they wouldnt leave. they just hung onto the walls like dead paint ready to fall but never falling when you look always waiting till you were away on 'business', or in the other room baking a cake or in bed trying not to think about the things you were not supposed to be trying not to think about. but there they were every time he looked up from his book....still there. you would hope they had something better to do than just stare back at you like you're the one thats not supposed to be there. one time he said bugger off and decided to stare at the lizards untill they moved. after a while he couldnt tell if they had moved or not because he couldn't remember where they were when he had first decided to stare at them. so of course he gave up and said bugger off. at least the other people had the decencey to stop staring at him when he stared back at them. it was like a game he used to play.
he'd walk around the neighborhood he hated to live in and wait till he saw some people walking towards him. then he would stop and stare at them. not walk, not talk, not move, just stare. no expression that would give away his motives. there were a couple of things that could happen. sometimes the person being stared at would turn around, or just twist the old neck around to see who was being stared at, and then because there was no one else being stared at they would then make another decision. it was like a road that he would go down, and every time there would be new alleys and avenues and exit ramps. sometimes the subject would try to act like it wasn't any bother, being stared at. but they would speed up, or slow down, or stand up straight, or look down at their belly, and it would give them away. that was the usual reaction. if two people were walking and talking, they would immediatley lower their voices, or even stop talking altogether untill they were past him. this was in addition to the speeding up/slowing down/self concious action phenomenom. But he found all this rather boring except for the 15% of the time when the other person would return his stare. that was what he waited for, the return of the stare. then it became a game. usually at this point the subject would hold out for 10, 20, 30 seconds. hah. nothing. he had a special treat for anyone who would hold his stare for more than 150 seconds. first, he would stick his head out, from his neck, like a giraffe almost. then he would bug his eyes, open them as wide as possible. he would take one step towards the subject, then another, then another, all the while raising his arms very slowly like wings. he would accelerate his steps when his arms were half way up, then came the oscar winning performance. he would flap his arms, move his head back and forth away from his body and make the most hideous bird noise he could imagine. it started with a 'gah' sylable and ended with an 'e' sylable, and eminated from the front of his throat, sort of like a traichiotomy patient. of course, at this point the subject of this spectacle would hear a 'pop' sound in their brain that signalled that 'this is very suspicious behaviour' then 'the president warned me to be on the look out for very suspicious, or was that subsequies?...no suspicious, the president wouldn't be able to pronounce subsequies...THIS PERSON IS COMING RIGHT AT ME! WHY IS AL-QUEDA IN PEPPER PIKE???' and would run for cover.
and when he thought of those days he invariably ruminated on the cause of his stopping this experiment, and the subsequent court ordered psycological evaluations, hearings, and other ballyhoo that proved that the pleasure he derived from his experiment was inversely related to the displeasure he derived from spending hour after hour in the small dusty room that was Dr E.M. Getty's office, discussing the most trivial of affairs. while Dr Getty would blather on about the problems he wasnt having in school ("but you say the other boy may have looked at you crossly?"), the fights that never occured at home between his mother and non-existent father ("ah! so you were abandoned as a small child"-"actually, i think the sperm bank is still on Archer Avenue"), or the drugs he never took with friends ("honestly, Dr Getty, the only drug dealer i've ever known is you") he would contemplate whether it was his pleasure or displeasure that was inversley related to his experiment. eventually he decided to look it up in the dictionary next time he thought of it and was also near a dictionary. which didn't occur untill he was 37 and no longer had to worry about anyone meddling in his experiments. But that hasn't happened yet, so he still has to see Dr Getty once a week for 1 and one half hours to prove that he's not on drugs, doesnt' get into fights, and has a perfectly normal family life. the first session he had he actually tried to explain his actions in the hope that Dr Getty would understand it was just an experiment, but he soon discovered Dr Getty was the only one qualified to conduct experiments, not some 19 year old pepper pike brat.
"what good is it experimenting on mice and chimps and cats? i'm not a cat. you're not a cat. what will we possibly learn about humans from experimenting on cats?"
"but of course it is valuable! we learn how muscles respond to stimulus, how the heart opperates, etc"
"its pointless. they have no free will. its pointless to experiment on animals with no free will, the actions will always be easily predictable! if we experiment on our own species we might get something done, we might learn how to operate ourselves better if we have a manual for operating. it seems to me that only a few people have tried to read their own manual, and they're one in a million. what if everyone had the same access that einstein, plato, christ, buddha had. do you see? i was just trying to see how people react when they observe behavior that doesnt' necessarily fit the norms and mores of standard society!"
"well, that may be so, but that's still no reason to go squaking about at 6 in the evening to every person you see walking about. Now, tell me, does your mother ever look at you crossly?"

::: posted 15 january 2003 at 09:56 am (india) [karma: -3 (+/-)] [ no comments. ] :::

i haven't had alot of time to write.
well maybe i've had alot of time, but i'm in a small village right now and there aren't any internet cafes to go to, so i'm kind of stuck. i'm staying at a house that is part of a hare krsna devotee ashram and farm, the farm is a little ways away and the house is near the temple, so that devotees can either stay at the farm, if they want peace and quiet or they can stay near the temple if they want to go to the temple. so i'm near the temple. there is a river in front of the house, you can bathe in it if you like, its not warm, its not really cold its just there, i guess. i've been playing the guitar alot lately, i have callouses on my fingers fromplaying all the time i've written about 8 songs so far but only 2 of them have words, and sometimes i want to change what i've written or add something. maybe 2 of the songs i would consider 'complete' i keep coming up with new riffs and i have to keep playing what i've written, the way i practice is that i play almost all the songs i've written in the past 2-3 years. i dont' play any of the terabithia stuff, except 1 song that i wrote right before the band self destructed. but there's about 15 songs that i play, and sometimes i'll play half of em and then work on one of the new songs, or else i'll play the other half and work on some other songs. whenever i have a song that i like i have to play it over and over and over so that i don't forget it. i've forgotten more songs that i actually have written, and they were really good. so i've figured out that i have to keep playing in order to remember.

there are a bunch of monkeys that swing in the trees next to the river. sometimes they are wrestling with each other, sometimes they are eating whatever food they find. one time i was down near the river and they kept trying to peek under my dress to see if i had any food under it. they would grab it and look underneath. Manu, Williams friend who has been showing me around lately and i named some of them. there's Mo, Alfalfa, and Fatty. they like it when i play for them. and when i throw them scraps of food the big ones beat up the little ones if they try to get any of it. when they put the food in their mouths they'll push it to their cheeks and keep stuffing food in, so that their cheeks look like ballons. they'll eat anything but they really like bananas and other sweet fruit.

i could stay here till may but i think i'll be back in the states around the middle to end of march, unless people start going nuts, or something. i really like it here, but i'd like it alot more if i was with some old friends. i'm reading a lot of books, some on buddhism, some on hindu'ism' some fiction writing, etc etc.

rawk on
chris

::: posted 15 january 2003 at 09:41 am (india) [karma: 0 (+/-)] [ no comments. ] :::

oh well it will have to wait. i can't really do alot of computer stuff in Kollur cause there are a limited number of phone lines, and only during certain times of the day will you be able to get on the internet. say like between 10pm and 7 am. i know alot of people like to hear from me personally on email but right now i can't devote tons of time to it. i will read each email if i respond i respond you know. but i;'ll tell you what im doing. well nothing really. i swim in a river and bathe in it, its a nice river its warm and the water is said to have medicinal qualities. so far i'm not breaking out with weird skin diseases, so i guess thats cool. and it isnt filled with garbage, thats pretty good too. i read alot of books, i just finished 'catch 22' by joe heller wow that is some good stuff i really enjoyed it, really it was great. sometimes i do a little chanting, theres' also a farm nearby that i've been to a couple of times that is pretty cool. i haven't been to the temple yet even though i've been here a week but i'm gonna go tomorrow i think. sometimes i pick up a newspaper, and i wonder if i will be able to comeback to the us or not. i hope the war(landgrab) in iraq doesnt' affect the mainland, but you never know, a couple of suicide bombs in key cities and the next thing you know everyone is a suspect and Big Brother will no longer be watching from a safe and manegable distance. psst here's a secret. everytime they say 'national security' substitue 'profit' or 'deletion of constitutional freedoms' its fun! oh this is a fun one find a complete speech by bush lately, since 9.11 and do a cut and past in word replace "terrorist" with "human being" oh its great fun. and then dont forget to take your prozac and smile when they take you away.

luckily in india no one will take me away, i am safe in a remote village far from big cities, far from overzelous gestapo policemen (the police here are incompetant) and far from a general public that would sooner take 2 and worry about it tomorrow. i don't use drugs anymore, but i recomend that people on anti depressants throw them away and smoke pot if it makes them happy, or get on a bike and ride around for a couple of hours, or go to the woods and howl at the moon, or whatever. but thats just my opinion. drugs are bad, all of em! not just the illegal ones, the legal ones too. actaully the legal ones 'prescribed by a caring physicannnnn' are sometimes worse than the illegal ones.
i mean, smoking the dope never gave me 'dizzy spells' or 'stomach cramps' but i'm blathering on and getting close to offending some people.


i wish everyone could come over here, then i wouldn't have to go back. well not everyone. but everyone reading this.


so if you fly from new york to bombay you can get a round trip open ended 6 month return for about 800 bucks if you shop around and do your homework. figure about $1000 per 2.5 months this includes hotel food and stuff like books, small goods, etc general tourist stuff.

so get moving. cause i'm coming back here, and if none of yall want to come i'll find people that will.
may - october 1 is the rainy season so anytime after oct 1 is good. give yourself 2 weeks of culture shock and then you'll have miles of smiles.

ps while in india we dont.........eat meat.......use drugs.....mock anybodys belief system.......
we do..........act humble...........smile........expericence the taste of fruit and vegetables that we did not know were in existence..............contemplate god and wonder if it even matters.

ciao
chris

::: posted 07 january 2003 at 08:24 am (india) [karma: 0 (+/-)] [ 2 comments. ] :::

i am in the town of kollur. it is a small village and the main deal here is that there is a temple that is very very sacred in the middle of the town, i am staying with some hare krsna devotees they are very nice they have a small house and a huge farm with an ashram it is self sufficient and the other day it was night time and i walked to the village to get some food b/c i was hungry and i was walkin down the dark dark road and i had my flashlight so i wouldnt' step in some cow poo and so i wouldn'tfall in the ditch by the side of the road and i looked up and there were a billion billlion and a half more billion stars and they were brite brite and i was like wow.

::: posted 02 january 2003 at 01:56 pm (india) [karma: 0 (+/-)] [ 1 comment. ] :::