from 20 november…
today [yesterday by the time you read this] was quite a day, a good one. i still can’t tell where i am going with my desired-but-failing daily routine, but i am craving a routine. i am just so stubborn and unfocused. yet i keep having this thought that being aimless for a little while is going to open me up to something great. i already feel it now…being able to work with you and support your projects; being able to continue to do immediate low-cost construction and repairs for residents in need; taking time to edit my photos and build a portfolio; working in an office setting to organize and work (something i was craving earlier this year when i was working construction 50 hours a week). but with all this flexibility, i need to build myself structure and a routine to keep me sane. and focused. and energetic. those last three traits have felt often absent in my day to day life lately. i’ve felt anxious, easily distracted, and drained. i can’t identify the source, probably because their is no single source, but i know the things that lead to a healthier mental state, so i will aim for the good things. and you are definitely one of them.

so back to today after that rambling tangent… i began with staring at my screen, making lists, checking craigslist, listening to amy goodman, drawing in 3d. then off to measure plumbing lines and make more lists. and go off in search of free chain link fence off of craigslist, but return with metal posts and more plywood for the skateboard ramp. then lowes to buy the hotwaterheater. smash a poboy from brothers & sisters, where i chatted in the sparsely stocked store and found out the cook’s 21 year old son was killed in uptown last night…just moved out of his momma’s house for the first time. install the heater, kids come home, we show baby jesus whassup on the skate ramp, and enjoy the setting sun and warm weather. diamond and brea and malik came over to do homework with me, but devon decides to sneak in and malik loses focus. i kick him out because my patience is thin and i am discovering some reading comprehension & retention issues with diamond. i really want them to take school work seriously, and i think sometimes some of them will occasionally come saying they want to do work just so they can play. play is outside, focusing is inside. i like to have fun when we work, but there’s that line, ya know? so when malik lied about having to pee just so he could chase devin, and then a boxing match ensued between him and diamond, malik had to go. he was probably pissed at me when he went home tonight, but it’s the greater picture that i’m focusing on. i’d like them to remember me as–in addition to building skate ramps and adventuring the city–taking their school work seriously; it’s better than being remembered for only play time. like the best teacher you had who really pushed you.

so those two paragraphs combined makes me think i should really work with them every day after school, for at least thirty minutes. primarily it would be for checking in and then twice a week the gatherings could be longer in time and following the tutoring model we were experimenting with. i remember erin saying she couldn’t handle more than a 1 to 1 adult to child ratio, but i think it just takes a certain approach, squashing outbursts with positive distraction back to the task(s) at hand, and allowing the kids to take responsibility for their behavior. mostly, i feel they are really difficult together in a confined space because they are siblings. that’s what siblings do; we all know it. (malik is so loud because there’s always so many others talking/yelling in his house.) but i have such optimism and a vision for this to work. it gives me life thinking about it.

i just have to stay focused on that goal every afternoon. today, i forgot to go to the foodstamps office (i can only go tu/thu 2-3:30p for the business i need) after being distracted by plumbing. what i need are post-it notes attached to my body.