i want to live thoughtfully and carelessly.
i don’t want to question my purpose.
i don’t want to trust in christ when i can trust in the world around me. (i am trying not to escape but escape may keep me from going insane.)
i want to change.
i want to be the same.
i don’t want guilt trips.
i want others to be satisfied with who i am.
i want to own nothing and share everything.
i want to tell you the meaning of life because i figured out it has so much to do with you.
and you.
and you.
and you, too.
 
i want to sleep next to a woman who makes me cry at the very thought of her.
i want food clean and fresh.
i want animals free like humans are supposed to be.
i want cars recycled and turned into art.
i want to trade and barter.
i want tea and not coffee.
i want books and not tv.
i want to rid myself of distractions.
i don’t want to yell at my cat for not using the litter box.
i don’t want to get angry when i can’t find the clear tape.
i wish my room were organized.
i wish i possessed 1/16 of what i have now.
i want calm.
i want peace.
i am riddled with confusion.
i am overcome with anxiety.
i wish this were easy.
i look forward to another day, but i have to find comfort in today.
 
*     *     *
i look back at what i wrote and think
ultimately, this shouldn’t be about me.
{02 may 2004} ~9am.
 
[last page of a sketchbook journal]