Sun 20 Apr 2008
i’d like to see myself in this place (violet/new orleans) as a maintainer and as a resource to those who work selflessly in supporting the communities here (i.e. keep-hope.org). i would also like to absorb the spirit and wisdom of this place and learn from my neighbors. it was not entirely a conscious choice to come south, but it is a conscious choice to stay.
i’d like to grow with this soul i’ve come to fall in love with via memories and through letters. in life, i’ve come to worry that desire for a person–desire that takes you over rivers and mountains to see them–only leads to an anxiety over the separation of person/place. what i mean is that i find myself in this not-so-new home of new orleans with a new appreciation of “place”, yet falling for a person in a different location seems to fracture my connection with that home-place. in the instance of new orleans/violet, i have continually been at odds with it’s state of “home,” even though it has rightly become one. now that i have fallen in love with someone in another place and begin daydreaming of moving to that place (even a place i thought i would never live), i suddenly start reinforcing my beliefs of why new orleans/violet shouldn’t be my home. what i’ve failed to admit is that it already is.
really, i think it is important for me to wholly admit this is home, and then to visit with this love and ponder together the prospect of making a new home. all the little details i worry so much about–material possesions: tools, vehicles, stuff…ownership, responsibility, accountability–these things will work themselves out once a reason for home is established, where ever that may be. here. or there.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:02 pm
brother-
home only enlarges once it has been realized. it is difficult- often impossible- to reassemble the original home in another place, but to find relics of it, a larger definition of each one. home is like love. if we are content with it, we will learn no more. howevever, if we simply realize its grand mystery- like god- we will discover new parts which were always there.
following your heart to join the heart of another is a good reason to see if home- this new orleans and whereever else- then becomes your spiritual home. that place can expand to a place like portland will be a journey and a challenge that you and i both take. i look forward to sharing that with you, in it’s many facets, and longing together for new orleans, our home.
separation is a key experience to being human: longing and knowing the desire which god and her holy spirit have for us. maybe we will talk about that later.
blessings,
carrie
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm
That’s very difficult to deal with…the feeling of belonging somewhere and the desire to be somewhere else as well, but it’s also beautiful and wonderful to day dream about and envision your home with this love. You definitely have given yourself a lot for others and have been pursuing your goals. I think it’s a great idea to visit this place and love you desire to be with and see where it goes from there.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
hey nichola,
i met you at hope, and then ran into you at a coffee shop in the bywater, recall?
i love your words here, and i think i can very much identify. people like us “value our portability,” both in the sense that we like to be able to pick up and move but also not feel tied down by interpersonal relationships. nola is a place with a lot of soul, i can imagine it’s hard to leave. but you’ve done a lot of good for a lot of people, so you ought to have a clean conscience.
best of luck with the decisions…
keep on writing, taking pictures, all that. it’s all lovely to keep reading.