VIOLET, LA. just as things get busy and more transistions take place, making me feel as though i can’t leave HOPE, i get a phone call telling me my grandmother is not going to make it through the night. i can’t leave–not now, i think to myself. but i have to, this is important. a trip to iowa to help bury my grandmother and celebrate her life with those who loved her. this break is important not only for my family and for myself, but also for the principle that HOPE should be working collectively, other members filling in when the balance is disrupted. but the thought of leaving HOPE right now felt amost impossible.

there are three solid volunteers coordinating things at HOPE right now: phong, cassandra, and me. phong leaves for california on monday, cassandra for milwuakee thursday. that leaves me to hold things down with two part-time volunteers. furthemore, on saturday, a group of americorps volunteers are coming to HOPE volunteer for two days. and the community relief center is supposed to be open three days a week, with a neighborhood breakfast being cooked at HOPE on saturdays. if i leave this week, there’s no one here full time. and i’m in the middle of so many projects. hmm. but the two volunteers, gainsville mike and ryan who just showed up, are available. and there are local residents who can run the community center. ok. oh, and geoff is coming saturday. collectives are so marvelous in theory, but are people here committed enough to take over for the coordinators when we all leave?

if i had to live the rest of my life this way, hoping on my ideals, struggling to keep things together, i’d die early. dead from exhaustion. i love what i do, providing relief to residents, working together in solidarity, removing a salary from my work. but do enough other people want this too? or all we all suckered into scraping by under a system of jobs and leasure, money and consumerism. i’m not convincing anyone, i know. i’m only sounding like a whining radical, going bitter from the struggle. i know why so many of us escape to adventure and homelessness. or isolation and reclusivity. maybe i’m working myself to death avoiding my priviledge and opportunity to escape uncomfortable situations. or maybe i’m finding a way towards change. i can never tell.

oh well. iowa: here i come.