VIOLET, LA. what will i be when i grow up? i think i’ve grown up, finally — or not so finally. i think i will continue to grow up over and over again. it’s a repeat cycle, ideally. and i hope i don’t grow up — i’ve always hoped for youthfullness and those carefree moments. but i’ve been matured through my experiences as of late and, at least psychologically, i’m an older, more hardened person. if youth means your soft (and i wish i was still soft–it’s no insult), then getting old means you’re hardned. the hardness comes through experience and the trials and tribulations of life; death (symbolically and literally), inequalities, just general life within civilization is breaking me, especially once you start analyzing civilization as a whole. ooooh, i’m getting kinda bitter and grumbly here, so i apologize. but it’s on my mind lately and i’m gonna vent a litte.

yeah, i’ve got some stories. not sure if i’ve gained a whole lot of knowledge along the way (i should work on that), but this world is showing it’s brutal side to me and giving me that experience. i remember those bumper stickers, “question sanity.” the stickers are stupid, but the expression is beginning to have new meaning to me.

love you all. come visit.

VIOLET, LA. here it is, all the weight and importance that i dremt for. a community, dedication, volunteers, funding, momentum, and admiration. and a desperate need because there is no one else. this is HOPE, and here i stand along with it. yes, i can handle it, but i just don’t know if i’ll do it right.

VIOLET, LA. just as things get busy and more transistions take place, making me feel as though i can’t leave HOPE, i get a phone call telling me my grandmother is not going to make it through the night. i can’t leave–not now, i think to myself. but i have to, this is important. a trip to iowa to help bury my grandmother and celebrate her life with those who loved her. this break is important not only for my family and for myself, but also for the principle that HOPE should be working collectively, other members filling in when the balance is disrupted. but the thought of leaving HOPE right now felt amost impossible.

there are three solid volunteers coordinating things at HOPE right now: phong, cassandra, and me. phong leaves for california on monday, cassandra for milwuakee thursday. that leaves me to hold things down with two part-time volunteers. furthemore, on saturday, a group of americorps volunteers are coming to HOPE volunteer for two days. and the community relief center is supposed to be open three days a week, with a neighborhood breakfast being cooked at HOPE on saturdays. if i leave this week, there’s no one here full time. and i’m in the middle of so many projects. hmm. but the two volunteers, gainsville mike and ryan who just showed up, are available. and there are local residents who can run the community center. ok. oh, and geoff is coming saturday. collectives are so marvelous in theory, but are people here committed enough to take over for the coordinators when we all leave?

if i had to live the rest of my life this way, hoping on my ideals, struggling to keep things together, i’d die early. dead from exhaustion. i love what i do, providing relief to residents, working together in solidarity, removing a salary from my work. but do enough other people want this too? or all we all suckered into scraping by under a system of jobs and leasure, money and consumerism. i’m not convincing anyone, i know. i’m only sounding like a whining radical, going bitter from the struggle. i know why so many of us escape to adventure and homelessness. or isolation and reclusivity. maybe i’m working myself to death avoiding my priviledge and opportunity to escape uncomfortable situations. or maybe i’m finding a way towards change. i can never tell.

oh well. iowa: here i come.

VIOLET, LA. this goes out to everyone working so hard to realize their dreams, and create a better world for others to do the same. we are in this struggle together, and we keep loving, keep fighting for what is right. we will lean on each other for support and grow. (thank you hope for the inspiring quote)

this goes out to everyone writing me, urging me to write more. i miss my journal but these days are too full and the paper gets put to the backburner. i can’t overlook this history i’m living in. i must keep writing–you too: don’t forget.

we three at HOPE project in St. Bernard are holding together the seams while time ticks by and gives us a struggle. there is a lot here for three to do, so in response we took some time off and puttered around new orleans. closed the shop on wednesday, drank coffee in the day and ate thai food at night. cassandra’s birthday was yesterday. we celebrated in a little piano bar, so quiet on a thursday night, listening to an old man slur ray charles while banging on the keys. phong relaxed horizontally on the sidewalk with his white russian and later we all sleepily drove back to violet breathing in the country air, moldy and dense.

i’m putting in some time to make print materials for HOPE, get us ready to outreach for new volunteers and fundraising. the season’s over for volunteers galore when everyone was motivated and eager to provide relief and rebuild. there isn’t
enough help down here and every relief organization is struggling to find people willing to work. but perhaps this is what HOPE needs: take some time to analyze the situation while we are small. i’ve said this before. it’s now that we will put together some ideas for where we want to go, how to go about it, and find those interested in working along the way. some community members are eager to get involved. this feels so good.

so i want to write more, like i used to, think and observe and digest like i used to. it’s hard. but i’m still loving this and moving forward. infinate love forever. keep hope.

come visit! i’ll be here for a while…

http://www.keep-hope.org