i thought you were here looking for me to say to you
  "you
     are
   beautiful"
romantic sexy staring sober desire lips and breathing. i was under the impression
you didn't want anything to do with kissing me, but i thought about it, thought
about dreaming and feeling free to see you some other time. can we do this again?

this situation did not ever exist, except once in a single day dream.
then there is this hyper-real of my history, where a beautiful occurrence strikes usually somewhere between chicago and the atlantic in a train, a van, a compact car. begin, end soon thereafter. and then when i find time to lose touch with the memory, i fall into another supposed dream(are these dreams? i think back and they are of such quality as dreams! but no, they are human), to come to terms with the end of one [the past] and begin again [the present].

but now at present: i’m numb.